There is no Arizona....

2002-01-03T19:21:00.000-08:00

New Blog
Ok, I have been moving my weblog. Check it here http://www.thereisnoarizona.org/blog/ and please update your links and bookmarks. All 3 of you ;-)

This is not complete yet, but I think everything is coming together. I welcome any comments and criticisms.

2002-01-01T05:30:00.000-08:00

Oh Ladies
This is an official dare. I dare each and every female reader to contribute to this project..

Come on, it's art!

2002-01-01T04:11:00.000-08:00

Now, if someone wants to write a song that goes something like: "All we are saying is give a sustained aerial bombing with coordinated ground assaults a chance" that might be helpful.

Jonah Goldberg, via Andrew Hofer

He is now one of my heroes..

2002-01-01T02:57:00.000-08:00

I now have 2 resolutions *yeay*
1) Finally learn Calculus.
2) Finish Howard Zin's Peoples History of the United States.

Woow. Now aren't you all excited?

2002-01-01T00:15:00.000-08:00

Happy new year, ya'll.. Hope it was good and everyone had fun. I spent the evening with Dyanna, of Throughyoureyes fame. Wonderful dinner and conversation.

But, alas, no wild monkey sex.

2001-12-31T08:09:00.000-08:00

How many people went to work today like every other Monday?
*waves hand in air*
How many people weren't told that today was still considered holiday?
*waves hand in air*
How many people are one step closer to stalking from office to office with a semi-automatic rifle, pumping round after round into collegues and co-workers?
*sulks out of the room in shame*

2001-12-30T03:12:00.000-08:00

Women of Note
It has recently come to my attention that I have, really, two categories where the women in my life live. Wanton Lust and Affectionate Sister. Well, there is another, Hideous Bitch, but that is a temporary category best left for a discussion of my bitterness.
Anyway..
Most women I know live in the Wanton Lust category. This doesn't mean that I want to rip their close off and make wild, monkey sex with them, but it does mean that I am not going to totally remove the possibility of future monkey sex. Chances are, in all reality, said monkey sex will never happen, but just in case. This applies to women who are single, and some others, if they happen to be dating mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging cro-magnon idiot-boys. But women who date these sloped-brow evolutionary throw-backs would never be convinced to leave them, in my experience. There is some strange allure to these missing links that seems to attract every smart, attractive woman I know.
Sorry, little bitterness there. If you happen to know me, and are dating some Neanderthal, I apologize. I am talking about every other smart, attractive woman I know, not you..
Really.
Moving on, there is also the Affectionate Sister category. All married women I know fall into this category, even the ones married to the above mentioned knuckle-dragger. Plus some other people that I have know for a very long time, and every female relative I have. The possibly of wild, monkey sex is not only non-existent, but utterly repulsive. The thought of these women even having sex with whom-ever makes me loose sleep, curled fetally in the dark corner of my room. These people exist pretty much in a sexless world, as far as I am concerned, like my parents.
So, okay, since you are pestering, there is the third category, Hideous Bitch. Women get placed into the Hideous Bitch category from the time they do something mean, like not returning calls, or canceling dates without telling me first, or inviting me to Colorado for Thanksgiving then never even calling to say they don't want me to go anymore or inviting me to Scuba-diving only to later tell me there is no room because looser-boyfriend decided at the last minute to go
even though he is afraid of water (I have some fears, but water? please).
Anyway, getting back on track. When a woman does something like this (and if you have ever done anything like this to me, I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about the other Neanderthal-dating women I know), then you get shifted into Hideous Bitch for the time between when you did whatever it was that pissed me off, until you do something nice, like calling or emailing or whatever, then you get placed back into your original category, probably Wanton Lust since Affectionate Sisters are immune to this category, and all history of
your existence in Hideous Bitch is erased.

So, there.

2001-12-27T16:47:00.000-08:00

Well, then, that sucked.. Finally able to get into my blog now *yea*
But after a day of jonesing to blog, I can think of not one interesting thing to say...

2001-12-25T06:12:00.000-08:00

Do they know it's christmas time at all
This has to be my strangest christmas ever. After being up late, I am awakened by my phone ringing, a 4:30 AM. Thinking it might be my fam calling to wish me a merry xmas, not remembering the 2 hour time shift, I answer. Nope, not family, 'Hi, this is Travis* from the Exodus Response Center. We have an alert on one of your servers.' Ugh.. This is not what I want to hear at 4:30 christmas morning. So I get up and deal with that for about 30 minutes. By that point, I am hungry so I made a quick egg & cheese sandwich. After I finish, of course, I am awake so I take my shower and procede to the gifts.
Wonderful gifts from the whole family. Many framed pictures and homemade things (homemade pickles and hot sause, Yum!). Then I opened a little gift from one of my nieces and it was this little '#1 Uncle' money clip, and I started blubbering like a baby.
I realised something about christmas that I had been suspecting for sometime. The most fun on christmas is watching a 4 year old tear into the presants, paper flying everywhere and loving everything she gets. She could get a rock, but it would be the best rock in the world. Also, sitting on the couch with my dad after dinner watching some tv. Listening to my mom, sisters, and nieces play games in the dining room. Watching the kids play in the back room.
Because, unless you have someone to share this with, it's really just Tuesday.

Anyway... Merry christmas to everyone out there, my whole Internet family...

*names changed to protect the guilty.

2001-12-23T21:57:00.000-08:00

Woo Hoo!! Number seven on this Yahoo/Google search for 'clinicly depressed'. Gawd I need to learn how to spell.

2001-12-21T00:06:00.000-08:00

In other news, puppies.

2001-12-21T00:00:00.000-08:00

I went for a walk tonight and came up with this babbleing stream of conciousness. I will bear no resposibility for the time spent by you or any grammatic, spelling, or other errors contained herein. These thoughts are my own and may not represent the opinions of There is no Arizona..., Blogger, Pyra, any known person living or dead, or any beings which may or may not exist on this or any other reality.
My brain is full. I have these half thoughts that come into my mind at a blistering rate, never becoming fully formed. I think something, and it dies, but not before giving birth to another thought, which will ultimatly be aborted, resulting in yet another thought, ad infinatum. Each of these half thoughts, while seeming important to me, end up as nothing. Wrought from nothing, existing in nothing, eventually returning to nothing but the dry Arizona air. Sometimes I wish I had someone to walk beside me, to listen while I walk and drink my coffee, so that these thoughts could somehow become real, simply by being heard. This person doesn't have to talk, but only listen, and perhaps then these thoughts would continue on as their thoughts, eventually changing, mutating, evolving, then getting told to another silent companion who will take them as their thoughts. And maybe they could continue on forever in this form forever, getting passed from person to person, changing with each new person. Will you be my silent partner for a while, so that I can tell you my half thougts?
I was thinking about my old friends (I told you I would get to this). At what point does a close friend become an old friend. What is the exact moment when you have grown enought, and they have grown enought that you really don't know each other anymore? When does calling to chat become calling to catch up, to reminisce? What percentage of memories does a conversation have to contain to stop being new, and end up as only a recounting of things past? How many awkward pauses and aborted stories (because you really 'had to be there') must exist in a conversation to determine that perhaps you shouldn't call anymore, but exchange cards and letters on an ever widening schedule, until the friendship itself becomes a memory.
Lately I have been feeling myself moving. I can feel the seat of my pants moving through space, but I can also feel myself moving though time. I'm getting older, getting to the point that, not so many years ago, I thought was old. I feel myself growing older, but I don't feel quite like I am growing up. My brother, 17 years my elder, has 3 daughters, 2 age 16, one age 14. In one year, I will be the age he was when he had is first. Yet I don't think I will have any. People say it is good to grow old but never to grow up, yet I find myself wishing I had his sense of purpose, a rootedness in direction and security that this is what I must do, not just what I should do. I find myself wanting something real and pressing that must be attended to. Instead, there is nothing. I have done things, but they have all become obsoliete or rather vanished into memory, perhaps never exists at all, really. All I have are memories, and I can feel time wearing them down. The hours and minutes washing like the sea over the sandcastles of my accomplishments. Is this bad? To have nothing real, no lasting legacy to be remembered.
I find myself 2000 miles away from even these ephemeral things. Miles and miles from everything I have known and done. I think over the things that have brought me to this place. The college experience, poor as dirt. The 3 year marriage, ulitmatly ended. The aborted love affair, mostly of my own conjuring, which caused my move. My 'Year of Solitude', which threatens to continue on without end. Now I find myself in another paragraph, which should have preceded the last, because it is more the cause then the result of that thought.
Now I am thinking too much on what to say next, most of what was thought on my walk vanished. I am thinking too hard now because I talk too much in this place. I have grown to know something of you, the reader. I hesitate on somethings because I don't want to offend or drive you off. This I think is a bad thing, because in the end, this is what will be left of me. My thoughts and words, perhaps. Perhaps nothing, they will be only a fleeting thought to you while you are engulfed in your life.
And now all the thoughts are gone. All that remains is a jumble of things in such a mess that even I can't sort them out. A trainwreck of ponderings and half thoughts and quarter thoughts and a string of random words. Let me ponder this for a while, and come up with some more partial somethings to share.

2001-12-20T10:20:00.000-08:00

To All,

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best
wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially
responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral,
celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within
the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of
your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with
respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or
traditions of others, or their choice not to practice
religious or secular traditions at all, and a fiscally
successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally
accepted calendar year 2002, but not without due respect for
the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions
to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that
America is necessarily greater than any other country or is
the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without
regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability,
religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual
preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms.
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It
is freely transferable with no alteration to the original
greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually
implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is
void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole
discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform
as expected within the usual application of good tidings for
a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent
holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish
at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

2001-12-20T01:38:00.000-08:00

Lord of the Rings
Oh my sweet mother of all that is good and holy. That was just a totally wonderful movie. I don't think I can come up with the words to quite describe how truely wonderful and glorious that movie truly was.
There is only one thing that bothers me about it. One small (or not so small really) detail they changed in it. I will probably blather on more about it later, but I will give everyone a chance to see it. You must see it on the big screen or the pure grandure of the scenery will be lost..

2001-12-19T09:58:00.000-08:00

This is my job
This pretty much sums up what I do. Please read this and understand :)

In other news, kittens.

2001-12-18T10:58:00.000-08:00

I really need to get off my but and write something good for this thing. I feel like it is atrophying out from under me. But lately I am just bored with everything. Family, friends, books, the web. Nothing exciting me too much lately. I don't know if it's just the holiday depression, or what, I feel like something has to be done. I need to start something new. What should I be doing, instead of sitting around?

2001-12-14T15:02:00.000-08:00

This is truely scary. Professional stalkers. Perhaps I should consider my change of profession now...
Must pay well, since for a full 'coincidence', the running rate appears to be $78,000. Mmmm, don't think I can swing that.

2001-12-14T09:17:00.000-08:00

Fun.. Countries that have visited my blog...
Australia, UK, Canada, US, Sweden, Finland, Ireland, China
Fun.. I want a hit from every continent, then from every country. That would just be nifty...

2001-12-14T09:01:00.000-08:00

Ugh.. I need a new job.
Daily I am confronted with the idiocy of the people I work with and realize there is no hope.
It's 10am, I feel like crap, I'm tired, and I think I will have to kill the next person who walks into my office bitching about something.
blah.

2001-12-14T00:01:00.000-08:00

Oh my, how lazy am I? I actually read an entire book in the bath tonight. It was only 170 pages or so, but still...
Ah, and the book. What a sexy, wonderful book it was. 'Vox' by Nicholson Baker. Oh my that was sexy. I need to take a small walk now and release some tension. I won't be sleeping easy tonight, I tell you.
Saucy!
But, in keeping with this, lets put up a definative reading list, hows about.
'London Fields' - Martin Amis
'High Fidelity' - Nick Hornby
'Love in the time of Cholera' - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
'Microserfs' - Douglas Coupland
'A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius' - Dave Eggers
'Angela's Ashes' - Frank McCourt
'The Virgin Suicides' - Jeffrey Eugenidies
'The Fountainhead' - Ayn Rand

Those are the ones off the top of my head that have changed something about the way I think or act. What about you?

2001-12-11T15:19:00.000-08:00

Blah!!
I need a new job. Someone please hire me.
thankyouverymuch.

2001-12-10T17:19:00.000-08:00

I Hate Amazon.com
So I cruise on over to my amazon.com wish list to remove a book I bought myself this weekend (I know, aren't I naughty). So I perusing it to make sure I haven't forgotten something and what is at the bottom? A little note that says 'Items already purchased for you are hidden from view'. Well that gives me a happy thinking someone might have purchased something for me. But below that is a link that says 'Reveal purchased items'.
How mean is this! So I can wait until xmas or peek into mom's closet to see what I am getting. This is just horrible. I want to know but I know that it will ruin the surprise and I will hate myself, but will I hate myself enough to make me not do it? I don't know... This sucks!!

2001-12-10T08:44:00.000-08:00

Oh my stars and garters!
I gotta get me some of this! Makes me feel all sorts of 10 years old again.

2001-12-10T00:49:00.000-08:00

I feel so domesticated. I addressed and signed my christmas cards. At least the first round. There is still time for those of you who hear my pleas for attention to email me and get a christmas card. And I must say, that bar none, I have the cutest cards of the season. I have 4 left, so don't get left behind. Be the first on your block to get on of my uber-cute cards :) Surely to be a collectors item in years to come. Hedge against inflation and invest in one of my spiffy cards!
Ok, enough of the emotional blackmail :) Other then the cards and some menial cleaning of the apartment, I did absolutly nothing of note this weekend. Picked up two new books and that's about it.

2001-12-08T02:08:00.000-08:00

Neo-Maxi Zoom Dweebie

Did I stutter?

2001-12-06T09:42:00.000-08:00

Robyn, has to be one of the sweetest people I know. Not only did she email me a nice thank you for the gift, but she mailed me a wonderful little xmas/thanks card in the mail! So, for people to like me, I just have to buy them gifts (just kidding).

Also, since everyone else is doing it, email me your address and I will stalk, er, send you an xmas card. I haven't done this in years, so what a nifty way to start again.

Yesterday it was warmer in Grand Rapids, MI (my hometown) then it was here in Tempe, AZ. Ok, I live in a place called 'The Valley of the Sun'. It should always be warmer then Michigan (which I refer to as the great white north). This is just wrong and not what I signed up for when I moved down here.

Also, looks like the startup I work for now has money until the end of March! Yea! This is a good thing since last I knew we had money until the end of January. At least we will be well into the first quarter, so companies will be hiring again. :)

2001-12-03T18:06:00.000-08:00

And thus ends my professional drinking career. I'm not saying I will never have a drink again, but my binge drinking days are over. That has to be one of the stupidest things I have ever done. Yeah...

2001-12-03T13:05:00.000-08:00

Feeling only slightly ill now, but able to focus on normal work. Took my boss of the broken wrist to Fry's for lunch to pick up a pile of pc's. That was fun and what-not.

2001-12-03T09:35:00.000-08:00

Ugg... So I got to work about 9am.. Little later then I would have wanted. I am slowly realizing that I should have just called in sick, but that would not go over well since I had Friday off :)
So update. Do not drink mere hours before you have to go to work. You will regret it.
Feeling a little sick, but I doubt that I will be ill unless those idiots from Exodus keep calling me. Blah...

2001-12-03T04:50:00.000-08:00

Old Friends
I am struck here thinking about old friends. Having some flashback, I presume. What is to be done about old friends. Being as I have moved 2000 miles away from the friends I had, I have some perspective on this. I think I will have to think on this more.... Be prepared for updates...

2001-12-03T04:27:00.000-08:00

Hmm.. Here is an idea that just crossed my beer-addled brain. Perhaps I will update the blog every hour, to update all you people of my progress on this hung-over day of days.. Let's find out. I will start when I get to work and every hour after :)

2001-12-03T04:21:00.000-08:00

Oh good god, I am drunk at 5:16am on a school day. What is the world coming to. Will I call in sick to work in the morning? Probably not. I will go in and be the ray of sunshine that I normally am.
It's taking me twice as long to blog this becuse every other keystroke is 'backspace', because I have been drinking. I really need to stop this.

2001-11-30T23:35:00.000-08:00

So, the woman mentioned previously (whom I wait for the phone call that didn't come) called me tonight. We'll infact she emailed me at work, and I was on vacation today, so I didn't check that mail. So she called to see if I wanted to see a movie with her, but by the time we got it all sorted out, it was too late. So we went to coffee and are going to do the dinner and a movie thing tomorrow night. I am such a wimp. She totally blows me off, then calls and flutters her eyelashes at me and I totally forgive her and forget. Ladies, for your future knowledge, you can pretty much treat me like trash, but if you are later nice to me I will be your willing slave. I really need to work on this. Somehow I don't think this is a wonderful quality to have :)

Went to the DMV to renew my licence tags and get a new licence picture that actually looks like me. Arizona is so strange in that my drivers licence doesn't expire until 2037. How wierd is that?

Watched 'Guys and Dolls' last night. Talked to the woman and my wonderful friend Autumn about it and they both couldn't see me as liking musicals. I totally love musicals. They are the best. Life would be so much better with the singing and dancing and whatnot. Totally. In fact, I think I need to break into song now.. Pardon....

2001-11-25T23:57:00.000-08:00

Hmm.. Thanksgiving weekend recap.
Wednesday night. Decided to sit home and watch movies and wait for a phone call that I knew wasn't coming. Instead, talked to my dear friend in Utah for way too long and felt better. Ranted (worse then what was written) about love, people, and women. Drank too much in hopes of forgetting about the phone call and women in general. All around rateing, bad.
Thursday. Stayed in bed until 5pm, had dinner at Denny's, which in turn made me ill. Back to bed. Felt ill for the rest of the night. All around rateing, worse.
Friday. Helped a co-worker put up Christmas lights. Had to explain to his 4 year old son why I have a ring through my eyebrow. Had fun most of the day and it was good. Until he (the co-worker) fell off a ladder and broke his wrist. Police, ambulance, fire department. Went home and drank a few beers to put me to sleep. All around rating, could have been worse.
Saturday. Didn't do anything. Contemplated going to the movies but decided against it. Sat at home for the majority of the day. Downloaded a bunch of Buffy episodes and ordered in a pizza. Went to bed late and got a stomach ache. All around rating, could have been better.
Sunday. Finally went to the movies, saw Spy Game, which was ok, but could have been better. Not enough character development to make me care. Had a cute girl at the coffee shop flirt with me about my eyebrow ring. She had hers ripped out (ouch!). On the way home from the movie, stopped at the ubiquitous Circle K to get a coffee and had the checkout girl make several (wrong) conclusions about be because of the above mentioned piercing. All around rating, not so horrible.

So, I suppose this Thanksgiving wasn't the end of the world, but launches my annual trip into holliday depression. I should snap out of it sometime around February, just in time for my annual Valintine's depression :)

Please ignore that posting from 11/24. Simply self-pittying prattle. But nice comments, and Kira, if we ever meet, I will hold you to that hug ;)

2001-11-24T03:03:00.000-08:00

Love issues
Ok, so the following rant is going to be about love and perhaps completly out of character for a guy, so if this makes you sqwemish, go read something interesting, like Meg or Kira.
Why is love such a crap shoot? Why can't people choose who to fall in love with? Why can't people (well, ok, me, or is it I) tell people that I love that I love them? Is it the fact that they are dating other people? Is it ok to tell someone that is dating someone else that you love them? Is it really love? What is love? Does love simply mean being comfortable with someone? Is there something more? I have always felt comfortable with the few people I truly love. I fall in love easily, I guess that is my curse. I can see things in people and take all the good things I see and make that into the person. I guess once I have that, I can ignore them treating me badly, like even less then a friend.
But I live in my own little world where principles and morals really mean something. Honesty is probably the biggest of these. Honesty is the thing I strive for in all my relationships, romantic or otherwise. I can deal with people not liking me, or even outright hating me, but I don't know how to deal with people being less then honest. Isn't it better to know if someone doesn't like you then to have that person pretend? I know that I can not like someone, but still do something good for them, if it is the right thing to do. Doing good to people is just behind honesty. I may not like you, but if I can do good to you, then that puts me one step ahead in the game. I suppose there is a part of me that might think I am better then you for doing it, but is that really relavant? I don't expect anything but a thank you for whatever it is I did, and people should not expect any different from me.
I guess I am just a bit down on people at the moment. I apologise.
Here.. Here are some penguins to make you feel better.

2001-11-20T14:54:00.000-08:00

According to RealAge I am not really 29.1 years old, but 37.2! :)

Thanks Robyn for this wonderful link..
Hmm.. 3:47pm, guess I should start thinking about dinner and bed...

2001-11-20T11:12:00.000-08:00

'Tis the season well, almost
Secret Santa for everyone! (link via kottke.org). Go sign up and buy someone something.
Of course, you could always just buy me something.

2001-11-19T15:35:00.000-08:00

Also, the Department of Health and Human Services hit my site yesterday. Imagine it, the government reading my blog.. Scary..

2001-11-19T15:33:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah. I finished Microserfs last night. That's a pretty decent book. Nothing earthshattering, but ok, and a good ending. I have decided that in order to preserve what little hope I have, I am only going to read books with happy endings, which means I either read the end first or stop reading.

Still downloading Buffy episodes. It's gonna be a Buffy-o-thon tonight. I need to see what all these kids see in this Buffy-Come-Lately, rather then kicking it old-school.

Or something like that.

2001-11-19T10:47:00.000-08:00

Blah.. Comments were down this weekend as I upgraded my system. Moved from my wimpy Celeron 400MHz to a studly Pentium IV 1.7GHz processor. I feel like a real man now.

So I decided to download a crapload more Buffy episodes today. Kazaa is a good thing..

2001-11-16T20:57:00.000-08:00

So I was walking down the street the other night, on my nightly consitutional, and I passed this girl. I'm walking along, and she is biking in the other direction, on her way home or something. Anyway, I'm walking along and I look at her and she looks at me and we lock eyes for a moment then she does this little smile thing. So I turn away, being a strange breed of gentleman. Then I start to think about it a bit. Why would she smile at me. Was she smiling at me because she thought I was some kind of hotty? A thirty (well almost) year old hottie? Doubtful. Was she smiling because she thought I was some old deranged man looking at her, something like maybe 23? I don't know...
I am a strange old man...

2001-11-16T09:56:00.000-08:00

So I just watched 'Once More, With Feeling', yes, at work while I was codeing (KaZaa is my friend). It was good. Pretty funny too... But, ya know, what would have been really cool is if they had Kristy Swanson, the true Buffy.
Really... No, Really, trust me.. :)

2001-11-15T22:14:00.000-08:00

Hmm.. nothing much to blog about today. I now have two friends who don't seem to want to talk to me. One ex-coworker, so that feels awkward, since most times, when someone quits it's almost as if they are dead. Strange...
But anyway, since I got paid today, I went and spent money I should be saving.. But oh, what bounty:

10,000 Maniacs - In My Tribe... (I saw these guys on their tour for Blind Mans Zoo.. That was excellent)

The Cranberries - No Need To Argue

Sarah McLachlan - Surfacing

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones - Question The Answers

Douglas Coupland - Microserfs

Laurell K. Hamilton - Circus of the Damned (Like an R-rated Buffy)

Tom Wolfe - Bonfire of the Vanities

So this should keep me going for a while :)

Also, just finished Dave Eggers - A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius.. Good book. Read it.

2001-11-12T22:17:00.000-08:00

Ok, hopefully all that cat tummy and thumb rejoicing has lightened everyone up for a moment so I can say something.
Planes fucking crash.
It happens people. Statistically safer then driving, but sometimes accidents happen. Nothing to blame, which is why they are called accidents. My heart goes out to all the family and friends of the victims, truly it does, but come on people.
Am I the only person to remember a time when terrorist acts weren't the first thing people thought of when a plane crashed? I remember planes crashing in my youth, and there was nothing strange about the NTSB (Nation Transportation Safety Board) was called in to investigate the accident?
I live on the approach to Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport. The planes are close enough for me to count the windows and read the lettering on the tails. September 11th was spooky for me, mainly because the familiar rumble of planes wasn't there. I sat outside and looked at the all too quiet sky. But I am not afraid that a plane is going to crash into my house because I believe in the engineering of the planes and the capable hands of the pilot. And nothing is going to make me stop.

Ok, I'm better now. Please go back to rejoicing your thumbs.

2001-11-12T22:05:00.000-08:00

When I scratch Kiki on her belly (which she dares me to do, by lying on her back in the kitchen), she always has to put one rear foot on the palm of my hand. As if to say, See, I'm resisteing you scratching my tummy, making my eyes go all squinty. I'm resisting but your too strong, and have opposable thumbs. And I sit back and think, she's right. I do have thumbs. I contemplate my thumbs, and am awe struck by their thumby-ness. Without thumbs, thiswouldallruntogetherbecauseIwouldn'tbeabletohitthespacebar.
Thumbs are wonderful. Rejoice your thumbs..

2001-11-12T02:29:00.000-08:00

Oh my god...
My cat snores. I just noticed that...

Sorry, I just had to share that with someone.

2001-11-09T00:08:00.000-08:00

Hi.
Can I take a moment, a time out, from the normal weblog-ish trappings to speak directly to you? One of those moments, from the movies, where the character turns, and speaks directly, without apology, to the camera. Break the 4th wall, if such wall exists. Does it? Here in the land of non-fiction diary making? This is non-fiction, right?
*or is it?*
Out of my personal lack of family, friends, or any other type of personal relationship, I have become rather self-centered. I don't believe this is, in fact, totally my fault. Isolation breeds introspection. But I need to talk about me for a moment. My hopes and fears and dreams and desperations. I need to talk to someone who will nod, and Hmmm, and offer advise or simply an 'I hear you, brother'. I need someone who will stroke my personal inadiquacies away and reveal that there is something of importance, something real, here.
*are you here?*
I type in this blog and say things and do things in my day to day life, and yet none of it seems quite real. Am I really here, a 29 year old divorced white male? Living in Arizona? Or really, is there no Arizona. Am I actually, a 23 year old female accountant, who aspires to something else perhaps? Am I a 14 year old boy, freshman in high school. Mature beyond my years? But lets just, for the moment, agree that I am this 29 year old man, immature behind his years.
I wonder if this is it. Is this all there is? What if this is as good as it gets. Single and alone, but for 3 cats, one of whom is clinicly insane. Perhaps I am clinicly insane. My white walled, one bedroom apartment looking more and more like a cell as the days go by. And days go by, to what effect, what end? I do nothing, go nowhere, talk to no one, but for this. Here I am whatever I say I am, because what do you know? I could be making all this up, or it could, quite simply, be real. Here I go all over, from Great Britan to Australia to Florida or Oklahoma or somewhere I don't know where or somewhere here in Arizona. I can say whatever I want, because I am anonymous. I am whoever the moment needs, because I am in the position to invent the person I need.
*But who am I?*
I don't really know. I believe something, but what? Do I have goals, dreams, hopes, dispairs? Do talk to myself, outloud, as I walk the streets of whatever town? Do I go to a job, 5 days a week, then on the weekends, lie in bed with no real reason to get up until Monday? Perhaps I call old friends on the phone, and we talk, stuttered, not really knowing what to say, because we really don't know each other anymore. Or maybe just family, which is the same boat. Do I know anyone, anymore?
I feel I know you, whomever you are. I feel like I know Meg and Miss Shauny and Melissa and LisaLisa and Robyn and Todd and Kira, but I don't. I mearly go and peek into the small parts of your lives that you share with everyone. A little voyeristic glee from seeing the small things of people living life.
*Because I'm not?*
I move from day to day, not touching anything, going through life like a museum (*please stay behind the yellow line*). Is life supposed to be cold and clean, the dust never quite settling on anything? Is my life simply little dots, formed in such a way as to create shapes? Shapes that form into constructions, which grouped together create a little unit, whole unto itself? Am I a simple stream of information, travelling at high speeds, yet never really existing at all? Who knows.
*I sure don't.*

2001-11-08T15:28:00.000-08:00

My Colorgenics response

You feel that everything is going against you and you are worn out and exhausted by all the conflict and quarrelling. You are trying to protect yourself but at the same time you are hiding your feelings hoping, that by so doing, you can avoid exposing yourself to attack. Hopefully this will give you the chance to get on with your life. Nevertheless, you should be very careful to try to avoid stirring up any opposition which might endanger your plans.

You don't feel as if you can go it on your own anymore. You don't want to be taken for granted ... You need to be recognised as a "caring person" and it could be that you are searching to establish a relationship, not necessarily with someone new ... but with that someone special who could feel the same way as you do.

You are a rather inhibited sort of person. This could be the result of your upbringing or of your schooling, whatever. You are able to obtain satisfaction from various forms of physical or emotional activity ...but all in all- you are inclined to be emotionally withdrawn. As a consequence of this you find it difficult to sustain any deep involvement.

All of the stress and strains resulting from disappointment have led to agitation and anxiety. You have been going out of your way to make a good impression, but you have reservations as to the likelihood of succeeding.You feel that you have a right to accomplish all that you set your mind on - but you have become helpless and distressed when circumstances have gone against you. The idea of failure is most upsetting and this can even mean utter dejection. You see yourself as a scapegoat ... and you feel everyone in your sphere of influence has tried to take undue advantage of you. You are trying to convince yourself that your failure to achieve standing and recognition is not of your making ... but indeed of those around you ...

You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray .. and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have result in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer .... You have the power to succeed. Believe in yourself... All is possible to him who believes ....

I believe I am really depressed now....

2001-11-06T02:05:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had one of those wierd little moments that make you wonder who you actually are? I have these all the time, but I do know that this is not me.
I am not an expert on bio-terrorism working at the CDC, so please do not target me for your little terrorist games. Thank you.

2001-11-05T00:26:00.000-08:00

So, apparently the Diamondbacks won the World Series. Yey.
I was simply minding my own business, walking downtown to see a movie (Monsters, Inc. but I will get to that in a minute). The game was over and people are getting a bit rowdy, but what do you expect. It's all in good fun so I go see my movie.
When I leave the theater, I am told by some nice uniformed fellers that I have to take an alternate route home. Bit strange, but ok. So I'm walking along and I see down to Mill Ave (the main strip here in Tempe) and there is a large firetruck with it's lights on. 'Must have been an accident' I think. I come upon two fella's walking from that direction. 'What's going on?' I asked them. 'It got a little out of hand. They had to break out the tear gas.' Wonderful.. And as I am walking home I get to see the police helicopter flying around with its spotlight, broadcasting 'Disperse and go home or you will be arrested'.
So the Diamondbacks won the Series.. Yippie...

Anyway, Monsters, Inc is one of the funniest movies I have seen in a long time. Simply wonderful. I cried. I was just great. It was funny and touching and sad and happy again. You just can't beat that. I love Disney and Pixar. They are my new heroes.

2001-11-03T00:01:00.000-08:00

I'm touched (well, of course).
What I mean is I am touched emotionally. Apparently there are readers of this blog that believe that I am not a freak. Perhaps when you read my NaNoWriMo, you will be persuaded otherwise. Yes, I believe that that is going to be a full week of my vacation. I will write 50,000 words before the end of the month. Now I have never even imagined myself a novelist, but hey. I have a weeks vacation, so I figure, if I spend an entire week drunk, I can do this. And you here will be subjected to the results thereof. Aren't you lucky... :)

2001-11-01T21:25:00.000-08:00

Drum roll please.....
Ok folks.. here it is.
There is no Book Report
This is just beta, sitting on my poor little server at home, but please test it out. I haven't fully tested it myself, so I know there are bugs, so if you finds some, let me know. Plus if you think this is a stupid idea, let me know that too...

2001-11-01T16:40:00.000-08:00

I Must Have This!

2001-11-01T16:22:00.000-08:00

I have 2 weeks of vacation left until the end of the year. I need something to do. I really don't want to sit around my apartment for 2 weeks, because if you think I am off now, after 2 weeks of isolation I should be good and rabid...
Send me ideas because I am too pathetic to come up with anything on my own..

2001-11-01T09:26:00.000-08:00

Linktastic
LisaLisa and tobynopoly have linked to me! Linkorific!! Although tobynopoly has me at the bottom in the 'Freak' section. :)

In other news,
PHP is such my bitch. Apache also. And Perl!!
Name that random movie quote:
"Where's my bitches!!"

2001-10-31T18:48:00.000-08:00

Buffy!!!!
Cats!!!
Buffy Cats!
*WOOT*
oooh... head spinning... must sit down...

2001-10-31T09:31:00.000-08:00

Hey.. is that thing loaded?
from Top Ten Blog!

2001-10-31T09:12:00.000-08:00

Technically, Scott is a moron
Apparently I was crank calling an old friend of mine last night. He called me back 18 times. Here is my estimation of what happened.
I had turned my phone on silent so I could have a meeting with people yesterday. I never turned it back. I had the keys unlocked, because my network monitor was paging me with problems on the net. I put the phone in my pocket to go home. I was working on my webpage, and the phone in my pocket was hitting the '1' and 'call' buttons, which will call the first person in my phone book, i.e. my (probably former) friend. I have to call him tonight and spend about an hour apologizing. Sometimes I'm just stupid that way...

2001-10-30T19:54:00.000-08:00

Ahh.... Still feeling ill from this weekend. I think someone sent me rickets in the mail. Anyhoo.. there are new and wonderful features coming your way soon, so stay tooned. I have been hacking on this little treat for a while and can't wait to unveil it to the world! *cackel* It'll be fun :)

**trust me**

2001-10-30T18:18:00.000-08:00

My neighborhood smells like a fireplace. Apparently, there is a 25 acre wood chip fire going on. Why would anyone need 25 acres of wood chips, anyway? Worlds largest attempt at landscaping? This is very strange to me. Here is more info...

2001-10-30T10:54:00.000-08:00

So, I am considering leaving the valley of the sun and moving north, to Seattle. Anyone have any opinions of this place? Good, bad? Are there going to be any more WTO protests? Does it actually rain 9 months out of the year? I guess the point is I want to move to a real city, like Chicago or New York, sans cold/snow/winter.

2001-10-29T23:25:00.000-08:00

Truth:
My oldest cat purrs in her sleep. She also moves in her sleep and has been know on at least one occasion ot Meow in her sleep. And her newest favorite sleeping place is on top of my laptop.
Also, I seem to have encourage at least 3 people to start using encryption in there email, simply to protest the government's burning need to know what I am saying to my best friend :)

2001-10-29T00:21:00.000-08:00

*woot*
My first link.. I love it. Wonderful, even tho she seemed brave enough to go downtown this weekend. I couldn't even..
Oh well, enough of that. Check out Drawn Outside the Lines. It's good stuff, and will be on my list if I get off my butt and assemble my list of Blogs of Note...

2001-10-28T20:23:00.000-08:00

Hmm.. Went to see 'Mulholland Drive' last night. That is the lastest piece of intellectual masterbation cranked out by David Lynch. I would love to fall in line with the rest of the slacker, coffee-house hipsters and expound for hours and hours on what a genius he is, but I just don't buy it. As far as I am concerned, his only good movie was Dune, which he didn't write, but mearly directed. 'Mulholland' is one long (2.5 hours) confusing trip designed purly for people who 'get it', as opposed to people like me who don't. See it or don't but I do know you will either love it or hate it...

2001-10-24T06:15:00.000-07:00

Chasing Amy
I don't know where exactly to start with this, but it is just strange. I don't regret divorsing my wife, I don't regret my last girlfriend breaking up with me, those things were both for the best. But sitting here watching 'Chasing Amy' made me think of things. This happens to me just after Kevin Smith finishes his monologue. It makes me think of my first girlfriend. I know I screwed things up there. I know everything would have been different if I hadn't screwed that one up. I'm not saying it would have been forever. I'm not saying I would have never gotten married to the wrong woman, or anything would have ended up differently, but I know I wouldn't have lived these days of my life regreting that. I don't regret dropping out of college, and I don't regret my failed marriage. That is the only thing that I do regret. I don't know if I will ever meet someone that I feel that comfortable with, or that I am that at ease with ever again. I know it was probably just stupid high-school romance, and it would have been done at the end of the year and whatnot, but what if. I just don't know, and I personally hate regret, and that is the one thing in my life I do regret. BTW, her name was Amy, and I will probably spend the rest of my life Chasing Amy.

On a lighter note, I have been striken with a horrible case of insomnia, so I will most likly seem less then coherent in the following days...

2001-10-23T00:45:00.000-07:00

Due to my general lack of interesting things to say on this blog, I am going to start interspersing my blog with my personal thoughts on whatever books I happen to be reading. At the moment, it is the previously mentioned 'One Hundred Years of Solitude', which apparently takes one hundred years to finish. It's *really* good, it just takes a long time to read, like 'Lolita'. Also, I am reading 'A People's History of the United States' by Howard Zin, and 'A Brief History of Time' by Stephen Hawking. So 'yall, rush on out and pick these up. My goal is to read 2 chapters in each a week. There will be a quiz, and it will count for at least half your grade. The rest of your grade will be based on the quality of bribes selected from the previously mentioned list. Fun fun!

2001-10-23T00:02:00.000-07:00

Buffy Dream Date
Who's your Buffy Dream Date? Mine's Willow, which is good, because SMG is simply an imposter of the One, True Buffy, Kristy Swanson. :)

2001-10-18T00:12:00.000-07:00

I'm in love with a stick figure
Well, not really. I did about a half dozen sketches today, and am happy with most of them. Need to get some pens tomorrow at lunch. It's been for ages since I did that, and at least I feel like I am using that college education of mine. If I ever get to a scanner, maybe I will put them online. Mostly pinup stuff.
Please bear with me as I deal with my mania. I have been down so long that been not-unhappy is a bit of a shock to the system. I am trying to make this last (or at least the even keel part last) for a while. I have been slouching around for too long and that's no good for anyone.
Work has been hitting new heights of suckage lately. Just sucky all around.

That's about it. I had this multi-page discourse in my head earlier, but that's all forgotten now.

2001-10-15T01:33:00.000-07:00

Blah.. Not much today. Laid around until 10am, got up. Cleaned the apartment some. Went to the pet supply store. Ate a bag of potato chips. Took a 10 mile skate and talked to my best friend in Michigan for an hour and a half. That pretty much sums up my weekend.

2001-10-13T03:45:00.000-07:00

Someone from AOL keeps looking at my site... LisaLisa, is that you? I realize that I emailed you nights ago, and I also realize that I had been drinking and I really have no idea of what I said, although I have a feeling it had something to do with my birthday. I apologize.

2001-10-13T03:37:00.000-07:00

I listen to my dad talk about his father, and my siblings talk about their grandfather, and I wonder what I missed. My grandfather was dead by the time I existed, and by the time I was old enough to know or care, my dad was old. I never shared moments with my dad, male bonding moments. Plus, I wasn't the type of man that my dad knew how to deal with. I was cereberal, my sister was athletic. This really threw him for a loop. He really had no idea on what to do with us. I've never been in a fight, never been hit in the face, any of that. I think at this point, our 'gender roles' have been tossed for a tumble. This isn't a real problem. Growing up on a farm, I eventually learned what my father was trying to teach me. I finally gained his respect, or at least what I thought was his respect, when I was 22. Earning my way in the world, by that time I had dropped out of college and got a job. At that point I loved my dad, and knew what he wanted me to know. Things about earning my one way and paying for my own life. Taking control of my own destiny. I love my dad, but I would never be able to bring my self to tell him that. Tell him that everything I am, everything I have done, everything I have accomplished is a direct result of the things he taught me and showed me. He never told me any of this, of course. I have no idea why, though. Sitting in his living room, looking at him as my mother gets some coffee, I can't bring myself to say 'I love you dad. I learned everything you were trying to tell me. I was listening, even when we shouted at each other at the top of our lungs. I really was listening and learning. I am the man that you wanted me to be, but that kind of man is not wanted in this world.' People wonder why guys don't ask people out on dates, but the men like me, men with morals and values learned from two generations ago. It's because our values, our morals, the very things that make us men, aren't wanted anymore. I am not talking about the sexist, racist things that people tack onto people of that generation. I am talking about the silly little things like respecting women, opening doors, standing up when a woman comes to the table. Stuff like that. I'm out of words now.. Maybe more later...

2001-10-13T01:16:00.000-07:00

I am quite a bit more drunk now, but I don't think I can explain just yet.... Stay tooned...

2001-10-12T19:58:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Scott, and I'm an alcoholic. I started drinking less then socially about a year ago. Since then, I have forgotten why I drink, but I binge drink several nights a week. I haven't hit bottom yet, since I do my most serious drinking on the weekend. I don't know if I am actually an acoholic yet, since I try not to let it affect my work. I'm not quite drunk yet, so maybe I will be able to explain this after a few more drinks.

2001-10-09T11:13:00.000-07:00

Why do people you work with try to act like your friend when they discover that you are having a birthday. Every other day, they leave you alone and you them, and everyone is a happy cog, but have a birthday and they suddenly feel obligated to be your best friend for about an hour rather then treating it like every other day. Why?

2001-10-08T03:15:00.000-07:00

on flirting
How does one flirt? I think I missed that class. I managed to get through high school and college (well the part of college I got through) without actually figuring this out. I mean, all I want is a smart, sassy, wonderful woman, but if one presented herself to me, I would have no idea on what to do. How does one go up to a sassy, intelligent girl, well woman, and say 'Hey, can I buy you a drink?' Generally, one would have to believe that a sassy, intelligent woman would not respond to that, but in my vast experience, I have learned that 'How would you compare and contrast the societies of Huxley's Brave New World with Orwell's 1984?' doesn't work. This has only garnered me strange looks of confusion. So it would seem that flirting has nothing to do with Huxley or Orwell, but with things that she (the woman in question) has an interest in. But I don't know what these things are, since I have just met them. Which brings me back to my earlier point (check the archives) about the index-card board. Perhaps I am just drunk, this happens from time to time.

2001-10-08T00:46:00.000-07:00

Wierd.. 3 hits from Tucson within 15 minutes of each other. You people (person?) in Tucson, email me! I am in Tempe and desperate for human contact :)

2001-10-08T00:12:00.000-07:00

Hey, my birthday is coming up. All you nonexistant people should buy me stuff.. I'll buy you stuff if you let me know when and what...
Buy Scott Stuff

2001-10-07T23:39:00.000-07:00

Everyone has friends, right? Well, most everyone. Those of you lucky enough to have friends (and I mean real friends here, not people you work with and go to lunch with), how did you meet these people? Is it all high-school and college? Is this where you are supposed to meet the people who will stick with you for the rest of your life? Can you meet real lifelong friends when you are entering the twilight of you years? Maybe I am just a little depressed ( well, more depressed then normal ) by my upcomming birthday. What fun. Let me know.

2001-10-05T13:49:00.000-07:00

Adnan.org. Read that. It's better then the shit you are looking at now.. Someday I hope to be that smart and eloquent.

2001-10-04T13:52:00.000-07:00

I really suggest that everyone at one point in their lives work for a startup. Then you can have an interesting, friendly chat with you superiors that goes something like this:
me: So, at what point do we go out of business.
boss: When the money runs out. Your guess is as good as mine.
me: So, when does the money run out.
boss: End of the year, maybe. Save your pesos..

It's fun!

2001-10-04T10:43:00.000-07:00

I am Jack's Compete Lack of Clue...

2001-10-03T16:51:00.000-07:00

Why do people chat with you when you can clearly tell they don't want to? I mean, you can see it in their eyes that they don't want to chat, and once in a while they will make up an excuse not to chat, but they will never just say 'Go away, I don't want to chat with you'. That would be honest, and most people can't handle honesty. Everything has to be 'nice', when most of the time, 'nice' == 'lie'. I would be much happier with 'truth' then 'nice', sorry.

2001-10-01T02:59:00.000-07:00

So, Lisa asks why I am thinking of stopping. Made me think about it.
Why do I do this? Is anything I say here important or necessary in any way? I mean, it's relavant to my life, but I live a small life. Small and uninteresting. Important? Maybe to me, but to the world at large? Does anyone out here really need to know about my personal neuroses?
I started to think about why I read other people's blogs. Is it my small life? Is there something missing? Something wrong with me? Am I some sort of crazy stalker? Am I just crazy? I read other people's lives and dreams and whatnot and feel like I have some sort of life. I post comments on there blogs for what? Is it important? I don't know. I feel like for some reason I am living vicariously through these complete strangers. I need to get out more.

2001-09-29T18:14:00.000-07:00

Dear World Wide Web,
I apologize for inviting myself into your lives. I apologize for interjecting my insipid little 'insights', convinicing myself that they were somehow necessary or relavant. I aplogize for bothering anyone.
I'm sorry, and I will go away now.

2001-09-28T23:26:00.000-07:00

So I watched some movies tonight. Am I the only guy who cried during 'Good Will Hunting'? That is such a great movie. 'How do you like them apples'? Such great stuff. Plus, I have to say this, Kristy Swanson is the one and only Buffy. The original and the best. These are some of the things I know.

2001-09-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

I have to say this, but I don't want to be an ass to the idiot at work who insisted I was wrong...
China does too share a border with Afghanistan.
Look here in the north-eastern corner.

2001-09-27T21:01:00.000-07:00

Hey, you on AOL.. I can see you reading this. Post a comment or email me or something... How rude..

2001-09-27T13:55:00.000-07:00

How much time can a person spend alone before they start to lose their mind? A week? A month? Longer? I believe that I am starting to go completly bonkers. I have caught myself talking to myself out loud in public. I have always talked to myself, but not around others and usually in the guise of talking to my cats. I am seriously deranged. Truely troubled, I tell you.

2001-09-26T07:17:00.000-07:00

I think I am out of words for the moment. Check later

2001-09-24T18:16:00.000-07:00

Woo hoo.. Got the DSL action working now.. Nifty.

2001-09-22T01:55:00.000-07:00

Wow.. where to start.. It has been an active week, to say the least. Someone brought the Nimda virus into the office. At least I believe that is how it happened. I have yet to test my email filters against something like that.
But, as I sit on the edge of another long and lonely weekend, I am beginning to think about myself. I have always been something of a closet romantic. Wandering and wondering where in the world that person who was just meant for me is. Where is she, she has to be late by now. Then I start to wonder if there is someone out there just meant for me. There is something like three billion people in the USA, so someone there has to be just right for me, right? So why am I attracted to people who are with other people? I have this little personal rule, if someone is involved, they are pretty much off limits. I just don't want to be that guy that someone leaves someone for. I have been on the recieveing end of that whole deal, so I can't imagine putting someone else through that. So when you meet someone who is so perfect, but seeing someone else, what do you do? Do you hang out and do the friend thing hopeing for something more, or do you push off, remain aquaintainces, and look for something else. And why am I attracted to people who are interested in other people? Is it because other people are attracted to them, thereby making them attractive, or do I just have really bad timing? Perhaps I am just always late for relationships. So am I destined to always being late? Or maybe, just maybe, I could be ontime for one.
Oh well. Everyone, install your virus scanning software, update your virus definitions, and scan daily. Please. The network admins of the world implore you.

2001-09-20T10:50:00.000-07:00

Blah... Why are there asshole virus writers out there. This Win32.Nimda virus is wreched. Very interesting virus, but a severe pain in the ass. Just spending way too much dealing with this. It sucks..

2001-09-18T23:14:00.000-07:00

I feel lately that the people I work with just don't like me. I know this sounds crazy and paranoid, but that is what it feels like. No one ever stops by my office to talk, unless they need something. More to the point, people don't talk to me unless they need something. And when anyone does stop by, I start talking and talking, exactly because I never have anyone around to talk to. Maybe I just need to get on IRC more or something, so I can communicate with people. Or maybe I just need to get over myself.

2001-09-18T11:54:00.000-07:00

I am finally getting some high speed access at home. So, I am trying to come up with a snazzy domain name. I am unable to come up with one creative or unique name. This is pretty sad. The only thing I could think of was lillibridge.org, becase that would just be cool... scott@lillibridge.org... or not.

2001-09-18T03:16:00.000-07:00

I had a bad dream. I woke up after only a few hours sleep because of a bad dream, which at this moment seems all too real. It wasn't bad in a horror-movie, cheesy kind of way, it was bad in a scary, creepy, real kind of way. I can't go back to sleep now, not because I'm not tired, but because I can't close my eyes for fear that I will have that dream again. I know that's not very 'manly', which was exactly what my dream was about. If you haven't noticed yet, I'm not a very manly man. I cook, bake, read, bitch, and what have you. And as un-manly as it sounds, this is one of the worst things about being single. There's no one here to stroke my hair and tell me that it was just a dream and to lie beside me to help me sleep. There's just me to sit and get freaked out and type in this crazy blog. And yes, when I woke back up, just to be safe, I chained the door, along with my deadbolt...

2001-09-17T22:40:00.000-07:00

I have this dream, sort of a fantasy really. Just something to do that would feel more like a life that simply being a systems administrator. I dream of someday opening a little bookstore/coffee shop/bakery kind of place. A place where people could come and drink good coffee and get fresh eclairs or biscotti or cake. And talk. Talk about books and politics and beliefs and where to go to dinner or what to do in the park later on. Important stuff. Things that actually are real in peoples lives other then the doings of some crazy arab. I don't mean to triviallize what happened, because it is important and tragic, but I am just tired of thinking about it. I just want to read books and drink coffee and bake and talk and live life, rather then listen to the news and get depressed and pander to the day-to-day craziness of office life. Just silly, really.

2001-09-13T01:53:00.000-07:00

This is amazing. The Amazon.com donation page has reached 1.8 million dollars. I gave, Have You? This has gone beyond any sort of belief. National, religious, anything. People died today, who's major crime was simply going to work in the morning. This is not simply an attack against America, but an attack against everything that America stands for. This is an attack against every american everywhere. America has done bad thing throughout the years. I will be the first to admit that, but this goes beyond any idea of retaliation against anything America has done. Please give, money or blood.
I heard a plane go up my street tonight and I almost jumped out of my window. I ran out the door simply to see it. The lack of planes makes it hard to sleep (as hard as it is to believe).
I have only given a small amount, but I am to recieve a tax rebate check yet and I can think of nothing better to do with it then this. Please, think about it. If you need some encouragement, please visit the red cross website and see what it can do.

2001-09-12T21:01:00.000-07:00

Stop reading this and go donate blood...
Donate Money

2001-09-09T21:09:00.000-07:00

personal
I think it can pretty much be said that 'Love in the time of Cholera' is one of the most beautiful and depressing books I have ever read. It is so glorious about love and whatnot, but I really don't see anything like that in my future. I believe that I might be becoming a little to cynical for my own good.
Read 'The Bell Jar' also this weekend. That is a wonderful little book. Picked up 'One Hundred Years of Solitude'. Started that, read about a dozen or so pages and it looks to be as good as 'Love...'.
Hmm. Let's see. Not much else. Did some meanial household tasks. Laundry and such. Baked some Chocolate chip and Walnut cookies. That's about it. Nothing new to report.

2001-09-08T01:08:00.000-07:00

personal
So, I talked to my wonderful friend Autumn tonight. She is great. I just wish something could happen between her and I. She's funny and witty and sensative, and 8 years younger then I am. Perhaps when I am older, 8 years won't seem like that long a period, but at the moment, it just seems like too long. I have other bemoaning to do about Anne, but I will save that until later. :)